Sunday, February 22, 2009

Conservative Flab

Hi, I'm Patrick X. You might not know it now, but I used to be an intellectual lightweight. But then I bought Conservative Flab (available for three easy payments of $19.95) from the Charlie Sykes show and now I'm a heavyweight. Yup – I got these amazing flabs just by listening to Charlie (and other conservative talk show hosts – radio frequencies included on cd) without getting out of my chair 24/7. I can't wait to share Charlie's diet secrets with you.

Charlie will show you his "Nobama” technique for quarter barrel flabs and adding intellectual heft all over your body. And don't worry if you can't type, he'll teach you the one-handed hunt and peck technique (keeping the other free for other activities) and you'll be ready to post in no time.

Secrets to Flabs

If you buy Charlie's cds, he'll demonstrate faux outrage that will keep you glued to your chair. Remember to get mom involved. She'll need to know when to bring you those tasty barbecued ribs (featured in the Conservative Flab Cookbook) while you write.

Cardio-Carrying Conservative

This is not your liberal next door neighbors video. You'll learn how to ignore your lawn, home upkeep and annoy your libtard neighbors with the general rundown appearance of your property – it's unimportant – as you listen to Charlie extoll the virtues of personal responsibility. If only those liberals could see you now down in your basement.

Flab Sculpt

Charlie will fine tune your racist commentary with the use of code words (“they” and more) you've always wanted to use but had to get up from your chair to do so. Now you can do it without moving a large muscle group.

Step-by-Step Nutrition Guide

Charlie will also share his secrets for exposing the great liberal myth of tolerance for others. You'll be able to shatter any libtard argument and still eat the foods you love!

Hips, Buns, and Thighs

Get ready to add to those stubborn problem areas. With the help of Charlie Sykes, you'll be out of your skinny jeans in no time and will have joined the legion of conservative bloggers nationwide fighting liberals, socialists and personal hygeine.

If you don't completely transform your body within 30 days just like I did, Charlie will keep your money and chastise you personally on-line and on his radio show (hey, at least you got on). So what are you waiting for? C'mon, let's battle liberalism together.


  1. And don't worry if you can't type, I'll teach you the one-handed hunt and peck technique and you'll be ready to post in no time.

    That, my friend, is an untrue statement.

    It should read:

    Charlie will teach you the copy and paste technique, so that no spelling skills or original thoughts are needed.

  2. It is, Dean. Just having fun.

  3. OS, thanks for the laughs. This is the funniest thing I've read in a good long time...

  4. Tim,

    Your integrity and respect for those who disagree with you contine to amaze me.

    On second thought, maybe I need to change that. If there is one thing my kids have taught me is that sarcasm is wasted on 5 year olds (or those who still act like one)

  5. I'll get back to you when you turn six, Tony.

  6. Ouch.

    BTW, is that James or Daddio?

  7. Neither He's a fellow in one of my baseball leagues who is an absolute wiz with Excel spreadsheets. Being a geek, I can appreciate that kind of talent. He's a nice guy, actually.

  8. OK, but I was kidding.

    But I definitely don't want to know where the printer is. Or the hard drive for that matter.:)

  9. Clarification for capper. The excel geek is not the one pictured in the post, just the one leaving sarcastic remarks.

    While I could stand to lose a few pounds, that is not me.

  10. Sorry Tony, if that wasn't clear. The picture was rescued from a now defunct blog.