Sunday, July 27, 2008

Conservative Bloggers Chased from Bradford Beach

MILWAUKEE, July 4 (UPI) -- Milwaukee parks officials have hired a team of average middle class African-Americans to keep conservative bloggers away from Bradford Beach.

The Milwaukee County Parks Department said teams of two of the average middle class African-Americans will patrol the beach for eight hours every day looking for white-skinned, basement-dwelling conservative bloggers whose only purpose in life has been identified as spreading innuendo and disrupting relations between the many good people of Milwaukee.

The addition of the African-Americans is not entirely devoid of benefit to the conservative bloggers. Once the African-Americans (especially the children) focus on their usually obese targets, these same targets run as fast as their chubby legs can carry them, thereby producing a [for them] strange activity called exercise. Some conservatives have actually admitted that exercise felt good and they were tempted to try more exercise, albeit using more traditional methods such as workouts, walks and actually getting to know people unlike themselves.

“The beach had such a challenge with the conservative bloggers," Parks Director Sue Black said. "They were constantly yelling “Thug” and "Negro" in whiny, squeaky voices while pointing trembling fingers at every single African-American they saw. It was embarrassing. It was as though this was their first visit to a big city.”

The program, which began as an experiment two weeks ago, is overseen by Migratory Conservative Blogger Management. Katie Gramoll, a field operations manager for the group, said average middle class African-Americans are perfect for the job because the conservative bloggers immediately sense danger when darker skinned persons approach. “It's a weird reverse predatory action similar to what wolves and coyotes and foxes do when they're stalking their prey," Gramoll said. "It's why they're so effective at dispersing these bloggers, though the reaction of the bloggers really makes no sense."

Satire. Susan Black and Katie Gramoll are real persons, but the quotes attributed to them are not real. This satirical piece was based on an article written in the Journal Sentinel July 3, 2008 by Alex Lundy.


  1. Heh.

    Spent some time Sat AM at Veterans' Park--I was on a mission and had a timeline, which is relevant.

    Walking towards the lake, I passed a black family--mom, dad, 3 kids in early-through-late teems. Their CD player was blasting the Temptations.

    The Temps!!

    Were it not for mission/timeline requirements, I would have walked over and told them that that music was the very best the '60's had to offer...

    Damn those timelines!

  2. The Temps were great. It's good to know you have a human side, daddio. :)

  3. Don't over-read that post.

    Humanity is fo' suckas!

  4. Okay. Suck off, daddio.