Walker Threatens County's Long-Term Survival

Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker warned Monday that a mounting budget imbalance threatens the county's long-term survival. Dramatic changes are required, he said, including the building of more coffee shops and Burger Kings, drilling for oil, introducing off-reservation gambling, and opening a couple of charter schools to be run by ex-cons out of unused toolsheds on park grounds.

Walker said in the long run the county needs to scale back employee benefits to basically nothing, force the employees to live on-site in tawdry run-down shacks and, every month, rent themselves out to Waukesha elites to trim shrubs, cut the lawn, clean the pool, serve cocktails… whatever that can be done to increase revenues, he said.

He noted the success of the slums of Calcutta. If it takes a coffee shop, oil well, or greedy rickshaw owners to keep them open, then I'm all for it," Walker said.

Borrowing an idea from Texas Gov. Rick Perry, Walker delivered his speech during the ritual beheading of a homosexual at an evangelical church on the north side. Walker’s full head of hair was augmented to achieve the Perry affect.

Typically, Walker blamed everyone else for the delay in pursuing the idea. Walker believes that not taking responsibility for anything will eventually prove effective in getting him into the governor’s mansion.

Walker said care would be taken not to block park access to wealthy Republicans. Gates set up to block the entry of Democrats, the poor and illegal immigrants would have special scent sensors that would be able to recognize the perfumed elite.

Walker said the state of the county is good in many respects. A big management success involved dramatically reducing the error rate for processing food-stamp cases, he said. By eliminating food stamps for the poor, the error rate dropped to zero.